THE END OF THE WORLD
Day 49 Moriarty to Galisteo Road
today: 31 miles cumulative: 971
Waking up by the big white hearse. Rikki buys me McDonalds and shows me her collection of shot glasses and hotwheels. Thank you for opening your home to me, hug, and into the wind. Today I will see the circus girls and the one they call Bett the Brat, Wrestling Queen. Today I will be back to the center of the universe (approximately 40 miles wide, emanating from Santa Fe). I will see the giant mountain that they say is the largest crystal in the world if we could ever dig deep enough to reveal it. The center of the universe is full of Circus girls and women wrestling each other in baby oil and bar tenders with pink hair and tattoos of their dead cat Ramius. These are the women of Santa Fe. I will tell you more about them when I arrive. I have not arrived, I am a long walk from the Circus house in Cerillos and another long walk into Santa Fe.
A long straight road to snow capped mountains, not as snowy as they should be but beautiful snowy summit none the less because it marks the end of a circle from Santa Fe to the Pacific Ocean and back to Santa Fe. Today I dont mind seeing the end of the walk up there. Nothing will get me down on this road home. The loop of the girl, love is a mental illness, a pleasurable one but nevertheless it makes one do strange things. Impossible dreams in the real world, but nothing is impossible, just painful, because not all that is possible becomes. Temporary insanity, loops that last too long and exclude other things we need to think about, but this writing is done after the fact, so I have hindsight. At the time the loop makes sense, all is well in my imaginary world.
Wind blows the hat back until I have to take it off. I am not happy when I have to take my cowboy hat off. The overcast sky makes for deep blues and grays as the sun goes down making sun spots in the fields where it escapes the dark blanket in the sky. Bright lights on the grass like hundreds of bonfires, holy fires. Sailing to the holy city of Byzantium.
"O sages standing in Gods holy fire
As in the gold mosaic of a wall,
Come from the fire, perne in a gyre,
And be the singing-masters of my soul.
Consume my heart away; sick with desire
And fastened to a dying animal
It knows not what it is; and gather me
Into the artifice of eternity." -WB Yeats
Waiting at the Galisteo church for Bett, wrestling Queen, always naked in my mind, covered in baby oil and rallying a crowd to wrestle, microphone in hand, and especially provoking the vegetarians. The first time we met was at a wrestling party. No one knew me, I was one of only 3 men in a garage full of predominantly lesbian women wearing American flag g-strings and covered in oil. I had just moved to Santa Fe. Underneath my clothes I wore my own costume of metallic duct tape universal solution to even nuclear proliferation, but that night it became a thin covering for my jewels, leaving little to the imagination. A lull. I pounce. I will challenge you! So Bett and I wrestled that night and we laughed and they said who is this man? And I said that I was Turbo, wrestling champion of Northern Wyoming. And then a dozen women joined Bett to take down the oiled cowboy. And from that day forward Bett the Bratt, as she is called on the wrestling mat, and I, were the best of friends. And we have wrestled several times since that night and some of it will be shown on national TV for millions to see. This is why Santa Fe is the center of the universe. You can live so many lives, bring out all those super heroes inside you. Yes, even Turbo Man.
And Bett the Wrestling Queen is there and she is as beautiful as always, she is a Titan, she shakes the earth with colossal thoughts that echo through body and break the earth apart beneath her feet. It is hard for her to walk on this fragile planet. She wears a tight red hockey jersey, and tighter black leather plants. Bett is head-over-heels in love with an airline pilot named Sylvia. Bett is not a lesbian, she is a man in a womans body, very unfortunate for the men of the world, because like Alissa, she is a fallen star solar flare, and she changes the weather with the warm winds of her walking. Bett, like me, is a romantic, Bett and I have much in common. We will both be hurt often in our lives. Bett told me about a dream she had. I have had the same dream. It was about the woman she lay beside. She woke up in the middle of the night with her lovers breath in her lungs. The physical shock of this disabled her for days. I think Bett and I both want the same thing, to share our breath with another. And as long as we want that we will always be hurt.
I am not supposed to go into town until tomorrow night, but Alissa plays with the Cold Cold Bitches tonight at Bar B, and Bett thinks I need to go. Im too close, it is ridiculous for me to be so close and not be there tonight. So, I hesitate, maybe it is too much, too many days for Alissa, but I smile because the thought of being in her bed tonight is the strongest magnet there is.
And opening the door of that bar she is the first thing I see. Sitting at the bar, facing me, as though she knew, in a long black leather jacket, with a cheerleaders outfit underneath, and heavy blue eye liner. Tonight she is not Alissa Moreno, tonight she is Dirty Bliss, Keyboards, electric guitar, and vocals in the Cold Cold Bitches. A surprise, she cant believe it, how did you get here? I walked. The kiss I have been waiting for.
And the Bitches go on stage and here I am with so many people I know and love and they sing for me a song that says, "I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door..." And I have and I did. People buy me beers all night and holy shit, you walked all the way from San Diego? And that whole deal. Towards the end of the night, when the show is over I buy one for myself even though I dont need another one, because I notice that Alissa is avoiding me, and I want to pretend like everything is OK. And I find her and ask if maybe I shouldnt have walked to Santa Fe and she says maybe I shouldnt have. And the sun is sitting on the stage across from me, telling me that it still loves me, but that I cannot touch it.
To be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at her door. And the door is locked and a sign there says you shouldnt have come, I dont have time for you, things are different now. And I feel like a man curled up on the ground being beaten with clubs and kicked in the ribs, and my throat is dry from fear and outside the club I try to breathe but I cant, and I want to start running as fast as I can until it doesnt hurt anymore, run into a wall, run into a semi, run out of town and not look back. I set her up to be the beginning and end of my world, and so, today is the end of the world. "Not with a bang but a whimper."
She says that she still loves me, but I know that it doesnt mean the same thing as when I say it. And it cant ,mean the same thing, I know, because if it did she would be a delusional wanderer in a loop of 30 mile days and she is not. She is a separate person, and she does not walk on the side of the road everyday, she lives in the world, and has to think about the world. I do not, for now. And that is where my psychosis comes from. I gave her my breath, but she wants to breathe on her own. I leaned on her too much. I know that I leaned on her too much because when things start to fall apart I tell her that I am afraid to go back to this walk alone, a walk she has been on for 1,000 miles. I dont want to walk alone. And I am crying big tears like I do when I hear her sing, but there is no smile when I cry tonight. And the temples that I build for her on the side of the road didnt change anything. I leaned on her too much.
I remember when I lived in Denver, hearing through the ceiling a breakup happening over the telephone. The cries that that girl made were the most painful sounds I have ever heard, so much so that it made me cry myself. She just kept crying "Why? Why?" And I have felt that too with the first woman I loved and I feel it now with the second woman I have loved and I do not cry as loud but inside my cry is tearing apart the universe. I cannot even see reason tonight, I am still blinded by the road. Before I came into town I pulled my heart out of my chest and when I came in to this bar I held out the bloody mess and said this is for you, but this is the real world, you cannot do that here, what can she do with this bloody thing, she has to move to LA in a week and there is just too much going on, and just because I built temples and prayed and sang and walked 1,000 miles does not make the world stop.
The world turns without me, her life goes on without me, and she has been living without me for 2 months and while you were out there on a great adventure I was stuck here to work at a coffee cart and baby sit and watch dogs and pay bills and try to follow my dreams at the same time, and you werent there. You walked away. And I cannot be the loop that keeps your legs moving. I cannot carry you. I am still so blind, I am still insane, because there is never a day on this walk without insanity. And by now she has taken me to the Atomic at 2:30 in the morning where we can talk and wait for Bett to come pick me up and I am crying in front of too many people and I dont care. I just want to know "Why?" and how I can believe in love again and how I can bear the thought of not being with her. And why is because there are earth quakes that kill 20,000 people at a time and because the one that I am looking for may still be 20 years away, 20 more years of crying and dancing and can I buy you a beer and your phone number. But reason, as I have said, is not with me today. At the end of the night she touches my hand and holds it for awhile and then it does not hurt quite as bad, but I am still crying.
I walk away with Bett, my hero to the rescue, but I am so numb I cant see and am led like some blind man, back to the car, back to Galisteo Road. And in the car I dont know where I am, I am in my head, and I can hear myself crying, telling Bett that I am afraid to go back out there alone, that I am afraid of how much it hurts, it hurts so much every day. Its so hard, I dont want to be alone. She hugs me. She knows.
I dont want to row alone.